Why do you start watching yourself when you speak?

You might notice it the next time you're in a meeting where you really want to come across well...

You say something. Then, almost immediately, you start checking it.

"did that sound confident?"

"was that answer clear?"

"am I talking too fast?"

"do they look convinced?"

"should I say more?"

And now you're not just having the conversation.. you're paying attention to yourself having the conversation.

I've seen this happen with people who are normally very natural communicators.

They can talk to colleagues in the hallway without thinking twice.

They can explain something complicated over coffee.

Then put them in front of certain people in a certain rooms and something changes.

Suddenly they're aware of every word:

Every pause.

Every expression.

Every reaction from the others.

They're still speaking, but part of their attention is somewhere else.

Trying to make sure they're doing it "perfectly".

And that can make speaking much harder.

'cause you need some of your attention to actually think about what you're saying.

But now you're using some of it to watch yourself say it.

So you start correcting your sentences while you're speaking.

You notice that you're feeling nerves.

Then you start wondering if they can tell that you're nervous.

You hear yourself talking too quickly.

So you try to slow down.

Then you start thinking about the filler words that slipped in here and there.

Then you lose your train of thought.

And now you're thinking about that too.

I've had people describe it as feeling like they are driving on a highway but suddenly their vehicle is not in their control anymore, and took an exit on its own.

They're in the conversation, but they're also watching themselves from the outside.

That's usually the point where things start to feel unnatural and frustrating... not because they suddenly forgot how to communicate.

They've just become hyper-focused on how they're communicating aka becoming "self-conscious" (the exact opposite of self-confidence)

There's an important difference.

And you may recognize it in your own experience.

Think about the last time you felt completely comfortable speaking:

Were you thinking about your voice?

Were you checking your facial expressions?

Were you wondering whether you sounded confident?

Were you monitoring every pause?

Probably not.

You were just.. talking.

Now compare that with a situation where you struggled...

What were you paying attention to?

The other person's reaction?

Your own voice?

Whether you sounded intelligent enough?

Whether you were making a good impression?

Whether you were getting the answer exactly right?

That difference is worth noticing.

'cause sometimes the problem isn't that you don't know how to communicate.

It's that.. in certain situations, you become so self-conscious that you lose some of the natural access you normally have to what you already know.

And once you start noticing that, you can begin to see your own pattern a little more clearly.

-waqas

PS--The next time you feel yourself getting uncomfortable while speaking, notice what you're paying attention to.

Are you actually in the conversation?

Or are you watching yourself have it?

Root Before Skill

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